Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
