I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
