and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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