she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
