Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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