I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize