I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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