i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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