Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize