I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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