look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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