Moan for me like Helen Keller
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
