foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
