Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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