On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
