So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
