I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
