nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm both gender and math confused
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
