guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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