last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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