the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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