did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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