belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
there's paper in my vomit.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
