Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
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