You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
