take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
