I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
