she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize