you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
