just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
