I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
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