6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
