im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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