I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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