is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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