I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
