I murdered the dance floor call the cops
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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