I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
