So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
