I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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