Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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