I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Did I show you my penis last night?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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