I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
