My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize