fuck your aforementioned shoe
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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