phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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