I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
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