i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
