They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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