made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
