Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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