I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
