Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
