I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
