If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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