Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
