I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
