My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
