I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize