So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
