Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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