I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize