You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
