im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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