i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
