I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
