Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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