Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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