eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
