$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
